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Who I am now and

Who I am Becoming

 
 
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It was time for a change. Learning to Surivive the Pain

Life has been rough since losing my babies. It was rocky for a long time. I was in and out of the hospital for the first year for suicide attempts. This second year has been less unstable and my life has begun to stabilize. I still have many days I wish I was dead but manage to get through these days and still survive. I am not saying it is easy but it is getting better than before. I also still regularly crash emotionally and harm myself. But that is becoming less frequent. I am learning to face my pain.


What I have done

I have since started going to school at the local community college. I do fairly well with classes and have a pretty good GPA. I try hard even when I am depressed and going throu sorrow. I have moved to a country type setting and am doing many things to surive and build a life I deserve. I am buying a mobile home and have been fixing it as I can to make it a home. I have built myself a garden which helps me see I can do things while waiting for my children to grow and search for me. I have always had a hard time with success and tend to fear myself when I am succeeding. I have always become the failure I was raised to be. But I ma learning that I am not that failure everyone set out for me to be. I am learning to live a life worth living. I am finding out who I am and who I want to be. Even if I have not figured out who I am or who I want to become when I grow up.

My HOPE

I am doing something with my life that I never believed I could do. I am beginning to accomplish things in life. I am learning to accept my pain and face it instead of trying to avoid my pain by hurting myself. I am learning I am worth more than that today! My life is worth something, even if I can not believe that at times. Someday my children are going to come looking for me. They will need me to be there for themphysically as well as mentally and emotionally. My children are not going to want to find out I killed myself. They are going to want me to be involved with them when they become of age. When they come searching for and find me, I want to be here for them. I want to be involved with them and their lives. I need to be here for them when it is time for them to look for me, when they need me to be here. That I will be. I will be here for them.


What I am doing currently and My Goals

For now I am here. Sometimes I am sad. Sometimes I get depressed. I miss them. But now I have my oldest son, Corey. Corey has been living with me since September of 2009. We have done well. We have had times of stress but we have overcome them. Corey has done etter in school since living with me. I am not rich and connot give him all the world but I give him what he needs. We have learned to become a family even if the rest of the children are missing we are adjusting and waiting.

I just finished my 2nd year of attending the community college. I have done alot in the past 2 years. I have changed my program of studie several times as I wanted to do so much with my life. However, I realized that I need to focus on one thing at a time and finish it before going on to another. So I was working on 3 programs and have cut back to 2. I am amost done with my Human Services and Family advocacy certificates. I have a bit over a year left for my associates degree in arts and science, which is general studies. That associates degree is the first 2 years of almost all 4 year degrees. My goal is to move on to getting my bachalors degree in Human Services. Although, I want to be a peer counselor which the human services certificate is enough to get a job in peer counselor.