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Growing up in the System

and Losing my Own Children

to The System

Where My Life Began

I was born in Haverhill, MA at Hale Hospital on July 17, 1979 at 4:27 pm. My parents names are Marie and Gene. Haverhill is a city on the border of NH. It is about a 1/2 hour North of Boston.

My brother Gene was born when I was about 18 months old. He was also born at Hale Hospital on December 18, 1980. Then my brother James was born in Rochester, NH on March 15, 1983. Finally My sister Destiny was born in Boston, MA on December 13, 1985.

During these early years I do not have any real memories of my life. My parents marriage was always in shambles and there was alot of arguments and abuse that we saw. My father was abusive towards my mother and neglectful towards us children. There was also physical, mental and emotional abuse we had endured at that time. Myself and my brother were abused by my father's brother.

We were taken away sometime in 1986. I believe my sister was between 3-6 months old and we were all placed in a foster home with Janet and Mike down at 71 Mill Street Georgetown, MA. There were several other children in the home we were placed in. Around 9 months later I was taken out of that home and placed in St. Anne's Home in Methuen, MA, a residential for children and adolescents with behavorial issues.


The Progression of My Problems

From that residential when I was around 11 almost 12 years old, I went home to my mother and saw my father when he felt like seeing us. Then i went through more abuse until I had my son at the age of 15 on January 8, 1995.

After he was born I had my first of many psychiatric hospitalizations for attempted suicide, suicide ideation, and self injurious behavoir. That June I went into a group home, Solstice in Raleigh, Ma. I was there for a while but was unable to accect the help that they were offering and went back and forth from there to the psychiatric hospital for being a danger to myself. Finally I was placed in another residential, UMASS Transitions in Worchester, Ma for intesive treatment. I was there for a couple years and I got out of there August 1998 when I was 19 and aged out of child and adolescent treatment. I was left on my own with some support services in place but yet they were not very supportive or I did not let them support me and be of any help. I was still very much an angry person and hated myself, life, and anyone or anything around me.

My Escape From Myself Continued

I was in and out of the hospitals for another year and a half until I found out I was pregnant May 11, 2000. It was then I decided I needed to and wanted to live. I had something worth fighting for and living for. I needed to care for myself to help my soon to be son. I stopped trying to kill myself and I stopped cutting myself. My son, Daniel, was born December 15, 2000 at 10:27pm in Newburyport, Ma at Anna Jaques Hospital. Soon after the I got pregnant and married Daniel's father. I did not marry him out of love. I married him out of insecurity, fear, and desire to be wanted,cared about, accepted, and loved. I married him for all the wrong reasons. My children were not brought into life out of love for him. I love my kids but if I knew then what I found out not long after marrying him I would never have married him or had anymore children with him. I do not regret having my kids but do regret bringing them into the circustances they were brought into this life in. My kids were not given a fair chance from the time of conception.

Our marriage was full of emotional, mental, and physical abuse from the moment were married. But I stayed thinking it would get better. He would change. I could change him. It was very rocky and we split on some occasions but I continued to go back believing I could force the marriage to become better and be what i desired it to be. We also moved alot trying the geographical cure to other states, other towns, and other apartments within the city we started in. But he did not want to change. He did not believe there was anything wrong with the way he acted or how our marriage was. I felt I was trapped. I was to insecure with myself. I believe I could not care for the children on my own. Even when I was told by many people I could. They tried to get me to see that I was taking care of them all on my own myself anyways. I was blinded. I though there was no way out even though I went to many mental health groups, domestic violence groups, and educational programs. I still felt insecure, had no self-confidence, and had next to none self-esteem.

My Life Changed Forever

I have 5 children 3 boys and 2 girls. Their names are Corey, Daniel, Autumn, Dakoata, and Winter. In that order. They are 14, 8, 7, 5, and 4 years old. The younger 4 I have lost my parental rights to due to my inability to stabilize my mental health while fightening for them. My oldest has lived with my mother since he was 6 weeks old when I was first hospitalized for being suicidal and self harming myself. I was fifteen when I had him and there were many issues within the home and I could not cope with the things going on in life at the time.

I lost my children to the state of Virginia after I moved here from massachusettes. We had come to Lynchburg, VA after a social worker made us fear they were going to remove my children because my 5 year old who at the time was 18 months old had gotten out of our apartment and ran accross our street. We took off instead of facing things and working through them. I was scared. I had been in foster care as a child and did not want my children to endure what I had growing up. My husband and I left.

Once we had gotten here and found an apartment. We began to stabilize although the domestic issues continued between my ex-husband and I. A social worker came to our door about 2 months later and questioned us about who we were and where we were from. A few days later the children were removed.My mental health stability broke down within days of the children being taken and I was never able to get my life stable enough for the children to be returned.

I lost my parental rights to my 4 youngest children June 20, 2007. Just over 2 months after seperating from my ex-husband and beginning to get things together in my life. Both mentally, physicall, and emotionally. I fell apartafter that. I had my last vist with the 3 youngest children August 2007 and my son Daniel December 3, 2007. Right before his 7th Birthday.

My life was hcanged forever since then. I still am grieving although it is not as unstable as it was. I beleived there was no way of me surviving losing my children. They were all I had. I believed there is no life without them. I beleived there was no way for me to stabilize without them. Since then life has been rough and at times unstable and painful. But my feelings and sadness and shame has not killed me.